What to Look For in a Couples Therapist

Choosing a couples therapist is higher-stakes than it looks: a good one can turn a relationship around, while a poor fit can leave both partners feeling ganged-up on and done with therapy altogether. As a couples therapist trained in the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy, here's what I'd genuinely look for, including in me.

1. Couples-specific training, not just individual therapy

Couples work is its own craft. Ask directly: what training do you have in couples therapy? Names worth hearing include the Gottman Method, EFT, and structured approaches like CBT for couples. A therapist who only ever works with individuals may unintentionally turn couples sessions into two separate therapies sharing a couch.

2. Registration you can verify

In Australia, look for ACA or PACFA registration (or AHPRA for psychologists); overseas, the equivalent bodies. Anyone qualified will tell you instantly, I'm registered with ACA (Level 2) and PACFA, and I'd encourage you to verify that.

3. Balance, neither partner's lawyer

The single most common complaint about couples therapy is 'the therapist took sides.' A good couples therapist is the advocate for the relationship, holds both partners accountable, and makes both feel understood, even mid-conflict. Notice how you each feel after a first session: heard, or judged?

4. A method, not just a referee

Ask: what does your process look like? You want structure, assessment, a working map of your negative cycle, skills and between-session practice, not fifty minutes of lightly-supervised arguing. If the therapist can't describe their approach, that is your answer.

5. Comfort talking about everything

Money, in-laws, parenting and intimacy are where couples actually struggle. A couples therapist you can't discuss intimacy or an affair with is working with one hand tied.

6. Practicalities that keep you attending

Online availability across your time zones, session times that fit two diaries, and fees you can sustain for the arc of the work, consistency beats intensity in couples therapy.

Red flags worth respecting

A therapist who consistently sides with one partner, breaks confidence between individual chats without agreement, pushes their own agenda for whether you should stay together, or lets sessions become unmanaged fights. Trust your read, and change therapists if it's off. The relationship's future is worth an awkward switch.

The questions to ask in a first call

What's your couples training? How do you keep balance between us? What does a typical course of therapy look like? Have you worked with our kind of issue? Most good therapists, myself included, offer a free first conversation precisely so you can ask these before committing.